SHOULD I SPONSOR MY BEST FRIEND?

Dear Lee,

Your question is a valid one and not that uncommon. Please know that the following is the opinion I have come to over 13 years being instructed around the program concerning just a few aspects of sponsorship. It is also a product of what I have witnessed more times that I care to admit. It is my opinion and not necessarily the opinion of everyone.

Although your desire to help your best friend is wonderful, and certainly commendable, there are several issues here that would not only make it very difficult to be a sponsor but would end up frustrating the heck out of both of you.

1.) The distance you live from each other is not practical for a successful sponsor to sponsee’s relationship. To be a effective sponsor you need to be available in person. The are few folks in recovery that have long distance sponsors and sponsee’s, however If you would do the math you would find that they have been around the program and clean and sober for quite a few years. They still hold themselves accountable to someone local. It's not so much our great (Ha Ha) abilities to be wonderful sponsors, but what's important here is Availability.

2.) He's your best friend. I am not one of those people that claims that sponsee’s can't become best friends with their sponsor, but that works because they are growing together closely after a long time of working the program with each other.

Now, to become a sponsor to a new sponsee who is already your best friend is another thing entirely.

Knowing it or not, you both have built in expectations of each other. He

will have expectations on you as well as you will on him. This makes it

hard to approach his recovery and him objectively, and not from a best

friends perspective.

There are things that you know about each other that can clog your

judgment. There might even be things your friend won't want to tell you.

We think we know everything about our best friend, but facts show that many times we in fact know more about people we are not close to. Secrets kill, and if there is anything that might hinder giving up of the dark secrets in your friends life, you don't want to do that.

3.) A well rounded sponsor needs to have a good secure knowledge of 12 Step history, the program, NA or AA which ever one his sponsee is in, or both. The main job of a sponsor is to be able to teach the sponsee how to apply and implement the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions in their daily life. First there is the first formal working of all 12 Steps (Treatment is OK but doesn't allow the time that is truly needed to get to the deep heart of the matter, Recovery and the ability to recover.) Then there is the help and support of the sponsor as he teaches the sponsee on a daily basis at first and then for the many years to come how to informally apply and implement the Steps and Traditions. The only kind of sponsor who is really able to do that is one who has had a few years under his belt of working the Steps, applying them daily, writing and journaling etc. and being around the fellowship and other addicts like himself.

Learning from other sponsors and mostly his own sponsor. A sponsor that does not have a sponsor is a dangerous thing. I cannot teach anyone how to work the steps in any other way than what my sponsor taught me (straight out of the book). Any other way would be dishonest for I cannot teach something unless I have been there too.

Your friend needs to be attending meetings on a regular basis. No less that 90 meetings in 90 days and if he has a mental illness as %70 percent of alcoholics and addicts do, he had better be under a qualified mental health specialist care and accountable to them. I know because I too am Bipolar and have lived successfully with medication and my program. If we are to be effective sponsors to those who deal with mental illness, we had better have done our homework on the facts about mental illness. And if we do not live with it ourselves we may not be qualified to be that persons sponsor. That's just my Opinion as I work with the mentally ill every day. But it's not necessarily a must.

Some folks find it hard to ask someone who they don't know to be their sponsor, or they might not like the persons personality but if that person has a good working knowledge of the 12 Steps and Traditions, and has had some quality clean time under their belt, they would probably be a good choice. I think that going in the same direction spiritually is all-important. I would not suggest that a Buddhist sponsor a Christian, or a Muslim sponsor an Atheist or a New Age believer who believes that their God is themselves but in a higher enlightenment sponsor a Christian. It just doesn't work to well because at some point the sponsor and sponsee will end up going in different directions. This happens allot after the Third Step. However, any sponsor is better than no sponsor in the beginning as long at the sponsor is in the program that the sponsee wishes to follow after, and has worked all 12 steps completely under his own sponsor.

Lee, what you could do is to continue to be your buddy's best friend and listen to him, pray for him, if he relapses don't judge him, but don't baby him either. Be understanding firm but gentle. Don't give advice about things you don't have the answers for but be there in every other way that you can. Write him letters with positive quotes from good positive affirmations that you can get from subscribing to my site as well as many others. Send him a picture of you and your family, your dog or just your house. People who are hurting do very well when they have a deep meaningful connection with their closest friends. These types of things will help him to feel like you aren't so far away. Talk on the Internet in recovery chat rooms or on an instant messenger program like MSN, Yahoo or ICQ. If he does not have a computer you can help him get a free hotmail or yahoo account and he can check his email at the local library. These are very effective way you can be of support to your friend; He will need this even with a local sponsor. You can call yourself a back up sponsor. I have several, one of which is my pastor. But Lee, for my money, I would strongly suggest that your friend get a sponsor that has had a few years active in service work within the 12 Step fellowships. I think it would be best for you and him. And if he does get one where he lives, don't contradict what his sponsor tells him to do. Even if you think it's unreasonable.

Our friends in recovery would just love us to co-sign their bull*&(?#. A person can effectively have a sponsor that lives an hour away or 30 minutes away if there are no qualified people in his local meetings, but then only if they are available 24/7. My sponsee’s know not to phone me after 9:pm unless it's a matter of the uttermost urgency. I have to have a healthy relationship with my wife and children. After 9:pm is time I dedicate to my wife. Weekends I dedicate it to my kids and my wife, cat and dog. However, my sponsee’s always know that if they really need me beyond our scheduled meetings with each other or at meetings, that they can count on me to be there. And to tell you the truth with all 6 sponsee’s, I rarely have a 5:am or 10:pm call. It has happened a few times but not very often.

So there you have it my friend. Monty's long winded, or should I say long typed opinion of some of the import things a sponsor needs have to effectively sponsor.

I want to congratulate you on your clean time. That is fantastic!! Amen for you. I am so grateful to God when I hear of people staying clean. Hurray Lee.

I would also suggest ordering a Public Information Pamphlet called "Sponsorship" You can pick them up at any NA meeting and I'm sure AA has a pamphlet like that as well, or you can go to www.na.org for NA and www.alcoholics-anonymous.net for AA.

You can order all sorts of great stuff an information there.

Good Luck my new friend and may the Good Lord bless and keep both you and your best friend.

Blessings & Progress

Monty 'man

MEDITORIAL

It is such a wonderful thing when we meet and develop new friendships. A big part of maintaining good healthy relationships is to know when to offer advice, suggestions, and even compliments

Un-welcomed advice is never received well. Instead let’s pray for God’s direction and follow His lead when giving away our opinions regardless how well meaning they may be.

We may ask our self; Is what I want to say a part of the problem, or a part of the solution?