December 2, 2005


  My daughter asked me a few weeks ago if we could have a family portrait done this Christmas. I was really touched, since nobody has mentioned that in a long, long time. I had to go down my "Hallway of Shame," as she calls it and look at the portraits from years past to see how long it's been since we all posed for a family portrait together. There are only four hanging in the hallway and the most recent was taken twenty years ago!

  Oh, we've taken a gazillion snapshots through the years, but apparently, we didn't feel enough like a family to have a portrait done--nobody ever mentioned it anyway. I'm thinking we all would have felt like big hypocrites--smiling on the outside and cringing on the inside. My alcoholism made for an unhappy, dysfunctional group here on Wyatt St.

  So--here I am, four years sober and finally sat down with my family today to have a professional photographer snap pictures our happy faces. YAY! What a trip that was! It brought forth a poignant sadness from deep inside me for a nanosecond--thinking of all those wasted years and missed portraits while I stared at the world through the bottom of my glass, but I pushed that thought out--bye bye guilt and shame--I don't want you in the picture.

  We had outdoor shots done then we all changed into dress clothes and had some indoor shots taken. My husband, son, daughter, son-in-law, myself, and the wee one--Miles Lighthorse, who wasn't nearly as thrilled about the occasion as everyone else was. Plus, he didn't know why he had to change his clothes so often when he hadn't even pooped on them. Ahhhhh- Life is SO good!

  Today I am grateful for the healing in my family.

December 3, 2005


  "Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive." (William Shakespeare)

  I don't know about you guys, but I needed a full-time secretary to keep track of my lies when I was drinking. I lied about EVERYTHING! I was also very deceptive, which isn't quite the same as lying, but just as wicked. I told itty bitty white lies and BIG black ugly lies. I fibbed, I prevaricated, and I stretched the truth until it snapped. When you're an alcoholic and you choose to drink, it comes with the territory and it can be a hard habit to break.

  The deceptiveness also came in assorted shapes and sizes. Merely presenting myself to the world as a non-alcoholic was a major deception. Trying to make my husband believe I had put in a full days work when in actuality I had been drunk or passed out 7 of the 10 hours he was at work was deceptive. I doubt he fell for that charade anyway.

  Now we fast forward to the present and I can't tell you how good it feels to be honest~~not only with others, but with myself. The truth has indeed set me free. My life is less complicated~~by a long shot. If I tell the truth to everyone, I don't have to worry about keeping my lies straight, nor do I have to suffer the embarrassment and shame when I get caught in one.

  Keep It Simple~~that was our topic today at my noon meeting. Those slogans are so much more than catchy phrases; they are the gateway to serenity. I don't roll my eyes at them anymore like I did when I first started hearing them. I honor them, practice them, and respect them.

  Today I am grateful for the truth~~both speaking it and hearing it.

 

December 4, 2005


  These Muses come from many different sources, as I've shared before, but this one came from a chocolate cake. No, really--a chocolate cake~~Pepperidge Farms, 2 for 5.00.

  I bought it yesterday and when I took the box out of the grocery sack I noticed a little card stuck to it that said "You could be an instant winner, peel now." So, I peeled and underneath it said "Sorry, you are not an instant winner."

  "Au contrare," said I, standing alone in my kitchen talking to myself, "I am an instant winner no matter what you say."

  I woke up this morning without a hangover. I was sober all day yesterday. I wasn't overwhelmed with guilt and shame when I opened my eyes upon awakening. I turned on my computer and found real letters from real friends~~something I never dreamed I'd have. I fed the wild birds and brought in the paper without cursing the day to come as well as the day before, and wondering how long it would be before the whiskey bottle came down from the cupboard, knowing in my heart the second cup of coffee I poured would be heavily laced with that scoundrel and cad, Jack Daniels.

  I read the paper and didn't indulge in cynicism over the state of the nations, because I have learned from a treasured blue book that I don't have to do that. I surveyed the mess and clutter in my living room and kitchen and didn't grumble under my breath about the slobs and pigs I live with, wishing they would just die and leave me to my self-destruction. I went outside and viewed a soggy back yard and drank in the aroma of the recent rain and native sages.

  I prayed my prayers of gratitude and asked for guidance throughout the day from a God who never abandoned me; who watched over me and kept me safe until I found my way back into the light.

  So chew on that, Pepperidge Farms~~ I am an instant winner in spite of what your little sticker says.

  Today, I am grateful for chocolate cake, and it will be deja vu all over again when I peel the sticker off the coconut one.

December 5, 2005


  This will be my fifth sober Christmas and I'm telling you~~ they just keep getting better and more joyous every year! It's not about gifts, not the monetary kind. Christmas is one of those holidays I used to dread because it cramped my drinking style. I had to abstain when the family came because I had no control and to start would mean disaster since I couldn't stop once I had that first.

  Then there was the shopping, which cut into my drinking time. The last 3 years of my active alcoholism I purchased nearly all of my gifts online~~an alcoholic's dream! I could sit in my chair, shop, and drink all I wanted.

  But now--oh my! I am so caught up in the joy of the holiday. Tonight was my first party of the Christmas season and it was a humdinger! Women, women, women! I love them! Wonderful, beautiful, funny, warm, loving women and all decked out in purple and lavender clothes, wearing a red or pink hat, depending on their age. The women under 50 wore pink hats and those of us who are "seasoned" and aged like a fine cheese wore red hats. Gorgeous, feathery, glittery, Christmasy, sparkly, festive hats!

  We had a blast~~laughing, playing games, eating, and being deliriously silly. You know, if someone had told me 5 years ago that I would be spending Christmas of 2005 with a bunch of women bedecked in pinks, purples, and lavenders~~wearing elaborately decorated hats and lots of bling bling and foo foo adorning their bodies, I would have surely thought they were insane. In fact, I'm sure I would have told them so in most unpleasant terms.

  Sobriety has given me many priceless gifts, but none more cherished than the Fabulous Women!

  Today I am grateful for potlucks, parties, pixies, and pals.

December 6, 2005


  I saw a young man tonight for the first time since he came into AA a little over a year ago. Wow~~ What a change! He and I have a mutual bond with someone very close to both of us. Now, I met him 9 years ago and only saw him periodically at social gatherings where our friend was present. When we met we were both still raging alcoholics and still in denial.

  But tonight, oh mercy~~ it was like a reunion of long, lost siblings! We know of each other's surrender and membership in AA and seeing each other was like instant joy. We hugged each other so tight~~lingering and holding on, as if we'd known each other for decades. Before tonight, we had merely made polite conversation with each other when we were thrown together, but we have that common bond now that's found in the rooms of AA. That bond leaves the room with us when we go, wherever we go. I can feel it in online forums, at birthday lunches, with total strangers in grocery stores, and in my own living room when an unexpected guest pops in~~sobered up, cleaned up, and fired up with the joy of sobriety.

  It is a beautiful thing to feel that camaraderie~~to meet another survivor of that ocean liner that made it to shore. I am so happy for him~~he looks good and that glow comes from deep inside~~from that place we all know about; the place that once was cold, dark, and lonely but now is filled with warmth, light, and love.

  Today I am grateful for this one~~another one that didn't drown.

December 7, 2005


  I've heard this phrase and even used it myself many times in the last few years: "When I was practicing my disease." Isn't that a hoot when you really think about it? Seriously, no matter how long we practice our drinking, the indisputable truth is we are never ever in a million years going to get it right. I know, I know~~it's just a common phrase, but it struck me as funny today. You know how my mind works~~I have to analyze, scrutinize, and proselytize.

  We never make progress when we practice the disease of alcoholism, unless you consider the progressive nature of this disease. We are going on a trip... a one-way trip to nowhere~~well maybe to hell, jail, the mental ward or the morgue.

  On the flip side of that coin, sobriety offers us progress without the pressure of perfecting anything. We can practice the principles of AA and feel secure that we never have to finish at the top of the class~~heck, we don't even have to finish~~it's a lifelong journey and we just keep on practicing.

  Today I am grateful this program has a wonderful beginning, but no end.

December 8, 2005


  Just about a month left on the Muses folks. Wow--it sure doesn't seem like it's been almost a year since I made my year-long commitment to Muse with you all every day. So much has happened since the Muse Papers began. I have made progress, but have a long way to go in this new life. I am however, looking forward to what lies in store for me. So much has been revealed but the layers of this onion are far from completely peeled.

  I am blessed and fortunate that my year has been filled with wonder, joy, and miracles. I witnessed the birth of my grandson October 1st, which has to rate at the top of the miracle list. I have let some relationships go, but have formed new friendships along my journey. Tom S. has been a tremendous blessing, he being the one who encouraged me to send the Muses to his reading audience, thus allowing me to practice the 12th Step in a way I never could have. His words of encouragement buoyed my self-confidence and lessened my fear of people.

  As I reflect tonight on this past year, I recall some sadness as well. I attended several funerals of AA members, and I have watched others go back to drinking and using, where they remain today--skating on that perilously thin ice. My heart aches for them and I pray they don't fall through before they make it back into recovery.

  I have also said good-bye to a couple of my beloved and cherished pets. Both passages broke my heart, but drinking never became part of the equation. I guess I'm learning how to live life on life's terms and not mine.

  I'm not sure where all this reminiscing is coming from--it just came and I was near the computer so I sat down to tell you about it.

  Today I am grateful for memories--both happy and sad.

December 9, 2005


  My husband started working when he was 13. He lived in a small community which at the time, had no traffic lights (they actually have three now) and the majority of the shopping was done in a particular, long-established center which included a grocery, clothing, variety, and hardware store. The grocery store had regular charge customers and was just your old-fashioned, friendly customer-service oriented business. He was hired to sort soda pop bottles in the back until he was old enough to be insured and move up to bagging groceries. He was a boxboy when I met him~~we were both 14 and a half. He was still a boxboy when we married at 17.

  Today he owns half of the business next door to that grocery store~~a thriving hardware business. Every year the two stores combine for the annual Christmas party. I attended my first one with him at 15 and my 36th tonight. Man oh man, did I have some major flashbacks. Times have really changed for me since that first party. We had to ride with someone else because we didn't have driver's licenses yet, and we got really drunk. We got drunk every year after that too....for many, many years~~dancing, hooting, hollering, and inevitably fighting before the night ended.

  I commented to my son tonight as we left the party early, (as we've done since I stopped drinking) that it was nothing short of a miracle that his dad and I made it through those years alive. We drove drunk every time we left the party and were usually having a raging battle over who flirted with whom and blah blah blah, adding to the hazard we were already creating by just being on the road.

  Like I said, things have really changed. I have changed. Tonight I enjoyed visiting with the wives of my husband's business associates. I had some meaningful conversation with several women~~opening up honestly and completely about my alcoholism and the joyous journey I have begun. I held my grandson and walked him around the room, no doubt glowing from head to toe. The women all fell in love with him. I was filled with utter contentment.

  As a drunk, I was jealous of every woman and had no use for them in my life. I pasted my phony smile on my face year after year at those parties and did the obligatory social scene and the "OH, it's SO good to see you~~How have you been?" routine. Then I ripped them all to shreds with my tongue all the way home.

  I am grateful today for my sobriety~~grateful to feel comfortable in my own skin.

December 10, 2005


  There's a song I love to sing at the "Hallmark Church" called: Where could I go? The chorus is: Where could I go, Oh where could I go~~Seeking a refuge for my soul~~Needing a friend to save me in the end~~Where could I go but to the Lord?

  I could add, "Where could I go but to AA?" to that and it would also be applicable. God and AA are so intertwined for me, it's difficult to seperate them. Where else could I go to be understood and comforted~~to have my feelings validated? There IS no other place. I needed someone or something to save me from myself. I needed refuge and friends and I found those and so much more in the rooms of AA.

  I couldn't find sanctuary and rescue in church, on the psychiatrist's couch, through my family, or anywhere else and I sure couldn't find any of those things in alcohol either. My therapists all sit in chairs at AA meetings. Sometimes, like today, I schedule a one-on-one appointment with a trusted mentor for some intensive venting and enchiladas. It's the best deal in town and the closest thing to an ink blot at those sessions is a bowl of guacamole.

  I always feel sane enough to come home after those encounters.

  Today I am grateful for Miz C.

December 11, 2005


  One of the most powerful deterrents to relapses can be found on pages 32 and 33 in the Big Book--at least it has been for me up until now. It is the story of an ambitious young man who realized at age 30 that his drinking would inhibit his business success so he swore off of alcohol for 25 years and had a flourishing and lucrative career. When he retired he resumed his alcohol habit and quickly realized he could not stop drinking. It was as though the disease had continued to progress even though he had remained dry. Four years after he retired, he was dead.

  The first time I read that I was flabbergasted and honestly, I was pretty skeptical. Scare tactics is what I thought--they made that up to discourage us from drinking again. However, I have witnessed similar cases and heard tales of others--tales that give me goose bumps. I'm a believer now--no doubt about it.

  The page preceding that story is part of the portion that is read at many meetings. We all know the line: In some instances there has been brief recovery, followed always by a still worse relapse.

  It doesn't say followed occasionally, rarely, or sometimes--it says ALWAYS, and I have yet to find one single lie in that book. I know I never will and I stopped searching a long time ago.

  Today I am grateful I believe.

December 12, 2005


  "Some drinkers have excuses with which they are satisfied part of the time. But in their hearts they really do not know why they do it." (Big Book, page 23)

  I remember the days early in my disease when I had an excuse to drink. Actually--strike that word 'early' from that sentence. I was still making excuses up until the bitter, humiliating, horrific end.

  As a teenager it was to be cool, to fit in, and to rebel against everything. Then there were the break-ups with boyfriends--that was always a good excuse. Later as a young wife and mother, it was my reward on the weekends for working in and outside the home. I had to cut loose and let my hair down.

  Of course, those weekends were always full of gnarly fights with my husband and as time passed, I began drinking on weekdays to drown those sorrows. By the time I was 30, I had a whole new set of excuses. And then came 40 and I was drinking because of my drinking. Only an alcoholic will understand that statement.

  By the time I hit 40, I had sunk pretty low on the scale of morality. I awakened every day with regret, shame, and guilt--which I had to suppress by drinking some more. At the time however, I did not know in my heart why I was self-combusting. I wasn't drinking because I wanted to or because I had a good excuse. I was drinking because I had to. I didn't know how to stop-- how NOT to drink, or how to get out of the cycle of insanity.

  My life became a living nightmare, demons dodging my every step and breathing fire down my neck. I was Damocles and the sword above my head was suspended by a single hair. I was Atlas and the weight of the planet was on my shoulders. Something had to give or the world would crash upon me and the sword would split my skull like a watermelon.

  Something gave, and that something was me. I gave up. I surrendered.

  Today I am grateful for Step 1.

December 13, 2005


  "No one is too discredited or has sunk too low to be welcomed cordially--if he means business. Social distinctions, petty rivalries, and jealousies--these are laughed out of countenance." (Big Book, page 161)

  OK, so how do we welcome those who don't mean business?

  Do we welcome them cordially also? Of course we do because it's not for us to determine if they are serious or not. Only they know if they're yanking everybody's chain, or truly serious about getting and staying sober.

  If someone does come in just to placate a spouse, get a court card signed, or whatever the reason may be--and they have no intention of staying sober, that's on their conscience. Our job is "attraction rather than promotion." They must see and feel the joy of sobriety and decide they want what we have.

  Nobody had to sell me on AA--it sold itself. If a newcomer asks for my help, I am willing to do whatever I can for them. My job is to give back what I was given--it's as simple as that. As for those who don't mean business, at least the seed of sobriety is sown so that they might reap the rewards later.

  Today I am grateful for Tradition Eleven.

December 14, 2005


  "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable."

  I guess we all take this Step every day--I know I do--sometimes all day long. It helps to keep reminding myself that my life was utter chaos when alcohol controlled me. I couldn't manage anything. My house was a mess; I couldn't pay the bills on time; I didn't take care of myself; I planned simple tasks, like grocery shopping or doctor appointments around my drinking, and life was hell for me and everyone in my world.

  I was reminded today how out of control I used to be and how my life was a series of self-imposed crises. That roller coaster ride was never-ending. The alcohol manufactured mental instability that mimicked a manic-depressive state, or bi-polar disorder. One day I was raging and trying to beat someone up and the next day might find me curled up in an embryonic position, wailing about how the world would be better off without me. Up-down, up-down--what a nightmare for my loved ones.

  I am so grateful today for newcomers and sponsees. They keep the memory fresh.

December 15, 2005


  Finally! Here I am at almost midnight~~ready to Muse about my day even though I'm exhausted. I just came in from bowling and barely got to peek at my e-mail today. The season is in full swing on Wyatt St; Christmas carols ringing out; presents being wrapped; BIG tree being decorated, and clutter piling up along with the laundry, but I'm not stressing over it.

  My son held my grandson last night and today as my daughter and I strung lights and hung ornaments on the tree, which is over 8 feet tall. Well, what else could I do? It's baby's first Christmas. Anyway, they sat on the couch facing us and he was mesmerized by the lights and the pretty, shiny doo-dads we were hanging.....the baby, not the Big Kid.

  I can't begin to tell you how priceless the moment was. I could never find a way to express in words how utterly filled up my heart is this holiday season. When people told me early in my recovery that "it gets better," I never dreamed they meant this. I have never felt so serene and content. Every new day in sobriety is like a mini-Christmas.

  I heard one of my favorite shares at a meeting yesterday from a woman who was a source of inspiration for me in my first few months. She said everyone who comes into AA has a wrapped present sitting right in front of them. It's ours for the opening and it goes far beyond mere sobriety. She urged the newcomers to open their gift because if they walked out without doing so they would never know what was inside.

  Today I am grateful I opened my package.

December 16, 2005


  I share often about the woman's meeting I attend two days a week, but I can't say enough about how that meeting has blessed and enriched my program and my life. I proclaim to anyone who will listen that there is magic in that room. Miracles happen, hearts are mended, burdens lightened, friends are found, and love is in great supply.

  Something happens to me in that room--something I can't explain. I can be sitting there on a natural high and mentally skipping along that Road of Happy Destiny, not even remotely emotional, then out of nowhere the tears come. My gratitude for the gifts I have been given overwhelm me when I least expect it.

  I resisted women's meetings until I had been sober over a year. I was cool and collected when I shared at mixed meetings, almost always maintaining my composure, but the minute I sat in that room of Spiritual Sisters, the dam broke and all those feelings came flooding out of me. Two years later--they still do.

  And it's OK. There is no shame or embarrassment in it. Whether they are tears of pain, joy, or gratitude--they are cleansing and healing.

  Today I am grateful I don't feel like a weakling when I cry.

December 17, 2005


  Joy To the World! Only 8 more shopping days til Christmas folks! By some miracle, I am finished with mine--now THAT is growth! I'm usually the one out scrambling on the 24th because I have slothfully procrastinated, spending too much money and stressing out over it because I'm just grabbing stuff, mindless of the cost and dying to get home and get off my fat feet.

  My kids started asking me what I wanted weeks ago and I just couldn't think of anything--more growth. I have so many gifts already that material stuff can't begin to compare to. How do you top a new grandson? What wrapped package could compare to blissful peace in my heart, mind, and soul? Name me one present that could be better than the cherished friends I have found in sobriety. Heck---what could be more valuable than sobriety for that matter?

  My stocking runneth over and for that I am grateful.

December 18, 2005


  I drove to my niece's house today to visit and deliver her Christmas gift. On the way I passed a church with a big signboard out front that said: The church where everybody is somebody.

  I like that. It reminds me of AA--where everybody is somebody. I felt like a nobody when I arrived--a despicable speck on the planet. The fellowship welcomed me with open arms and hearts and made me feel like I was redeemable. You see, they knew something I didn't. They had felt the same way and learned that they did have worth, they did fit in, they were somebody after all.

  In the rooms of AA I have found a noble purpose for being. Even if I never find another, this purpose is enough. It is soul-satisfying. It is heart-mending. It is life-giving.

  Today I am grateful for all the somebody's who put me back together again after I tumbled from the wall.

December 19, 2005


  " There was an insistent yearning to enjoy life as we once did and a heartbreaking obsession that some new miracle of control would enable us to do it. There was always one more attempt and one more failure." (Big Book, page151)

  This proceeds the paragraph about the Four Horsemen in A Vision For You. A sweet little bird reminded me of the Four Horsemen this morning--a quartet I don't care to remember, but must for sobriety's sake.

  Do you remember that yearning to recapture the good ol' days of drinking? I certainly do, not that any of my pre-sobriety life was genuinely happy, but it was less painful in the early years--for me and my family. Every passing year brought more and more wreckage along with the loss of self-control until I was completely consumed by the drink.

  There were many attempts to control my consumption, or give it up entirely and just as many failures. Those Four Horsemen became my constant companions; Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, and Despair. Thank Goodness they rode off into the sunset! That's something to be very grateful for.

December 20, 2005


O little town of Bethlehem, how still we see thee lie.
Above thy deep and dreamless sleep the silent stars go by.
Yet in the dark streets shineth the everlasting light--
The hopes and fears of all the years are met in thee tonight.

  If you didn't feel that tug at your heart, mayhap you need to check and see if it's beating. Regardless of what your faith is, the historical fact is indisputable that Jesus was born in Bethlehem, lived a little over three decades, and practiced love and tolerance throughout His life. I would never try to tell anyone what to believe, but I know in my heart that my hopes and fears are met in God, meaning to me at least--that He is in charge of both. He is the reason I can let go of my fear and He is the reason I have hope. As long as I turn my will and life over to Him, I can walk in everlasting light.

  May your day be glorious and full of beautiful music.
I am grateful for the song my heart sings today.

December 21, 2005


  Sometimes you wanna go where everybody knows your naaaaaaame--and they're always glad you caaaaaaame--you wanna be where people can see, that people are all the same--you wanna go where everybody knows your name.

  I don't know if I got that exactly right, but it's close enough I reckon. Seriously now--don't you think that song more appropriately describes the rooms of AA rather than a bar? Let me see a show of hands--Yup! That's what I thought. And for those of you who are confused, that was the theme song from Cheers--you know, with Ted Danson and Shelley Long, then later Kirstie Alley?

  This Muse is reminiscent of a very recent one about the "church where everybody is somebody." But I just think it's so cool to BELONG, to walk into a room where there is instant camaraderie and understanding. You don't even have to open your mouth---everybody just knows who and what you are and Lo and Behold--it's OK!

  The cleaned-up veteran with 25 or 30 years knows exactly what the battered, desperate newcomer feels and they can transmit that look of compassion, empathy, and hope with a simple smile or a warm hug. Not one single "lifer" made me feel like an outsider when I came to AA. They all welcomed me and loved me back to life. They talked and I listened (thank God, because I never listened to anyone before that).

  Today I am grateful for the language of the heart.

December 22, 2005


  I learned a lesson today. I crowed recently about being all finished with my Christmas shopping, but some stuff I ordered online isn't going to make it, so there I was out and about again, doing that frantic buying and spending more than I wanted to. See there--if you crow, you better be prepared to eat a plate of it.

  However, I didn't get stressed and I had a song in my heart even though my shoe choice was a bad one. Ow ow ow. Also--I had another cool thing happen--one small step for Nan and one giant leap for Nankind. I stopped at lunchtime and actually went into a restaurant and ate alone. I didn't go through the drive-thru at Jack in the Box or In and Out Burger. I strolled right in this quaint little Mexican joint, sat down, and enjoyed my meal. It doesn't sound like a big deal, but I realized it was the first time I've done it since I got sober. I was comfortable and content to be alone. I wasn't ashamed, embarrassed, or self-conscious as I would have been in the past.

  My tab was about 6 bucks, but my little waitress was so sweet and attentive, I left a 20 on the tray, wrote Feliz Navidad on my ticket and drew a happy face. I'm just about as happy as a pig in a puddle!

  Today I am grateful I can be alone and not want to shrink under the table.

December 23, 2005


  Magic--that's what this Christmas is....absolutely magical. Even the cats feel it here--they haven't knocked one ornament off the tree and they haven't climbed up through the middle of it....that's a first. I was sharing that with some special people who gathered here tonight--friends and family. I am floating and my heart is so full. It's not perfection, but by golly--it's pretty darn close!

  The entire day has been one of love, caring, and sharing. There were babies to kiss, friends to hug, food to eat, and gifts gifts and more gifts for me. Not one single one of them was something I opened though. They weren't tangible at all--nothing I could hold in my hands but everything I could hold in my heart.

  This wonderful day that has come to an end began first thing this morning at a meeting. We women were sharing some Christmas thoughts and emotions, and I was overwhelmed with happiness and gratitude. We had a potluck after the meeting and the sound of chatter and laughter was music to my soul. I am profoundly blessed to have those women.

  Then tonight, my little living room and kitchen spilled over with more people and more love. My heart will keep me awake later, giggling and gurgling with glee.

  Tonight I am grateful for hot baths, lavender soap, and big, fluffy bath towels.

December 24, 2005


  I was having a conversation today with a treasured sister in sobriety with whom I have discussed many subjects in our recovery and the people we learn the most from. Something had been niggling at my brain for months, maybe years regarding what we receive from the person sharing at meetings. It made me examine what I want so desperately to convey in the rooms of AA-- my own experience, strength, and hope. Am I doing that, or am I promoting Nan?

  Please don't think I'm being judgmental--this is only my personal feeling and opinion, but I sometimes don't get anything from the person who has the floor at a meeting because they don't share, they just talk. I have a hard time focusing and my mind wanders off--something I don't like to find myself doing at meetings. But then, the next person will be chosen and suddenly, my heart says "listen!" That's because they are sharing their heart, not just talking to make an impression, get laughs, or feed their ego.

  Yikes--this sounds harsh, but it's what's on my heart today folks.... I don't mean it to sound that way. I'm still learning and growing in this program, and hope I always do. I suppose that's what the old-timers say when they advise us newcomers to "take what you need and leave the rest behind."

  Sigh---where did this come from amidst all this Christmas joy? I don't know, but I know I'm grateful for the Big Book and people that tell me to concentrate on my own inventory and not everyone else's. Bottom line is--it ain't none of my beeswax is it?
Trying to control everyone and run the whole show was what got me into a lot of trouble in the past.

  I think I'll go listen to The Little Drummer Boy and get back in gratitude mode. Pah rum pah pum pum.

December 25, 2005

December 26, 2005


  Well, here I am--made it through Christmas sober and serene...I hope you did too. What a Christmas it was too! I turned my computer off late Friday night, vowing to myself to devote my time, energy, and love to the people in my life who suffered the most from my alcoholism--my husband, daughter, son, and son-in-law. I had to sign on briefly yesterday because I had forgotten to print up a gift certificate, but other than that, I stuck with my goal. My son signed on several times, but even that didn't tempt me to come and sit down here. I have trouble disciplining myself when I get on the computer.

  "One kwik thing" can easily turn into hours of piddling and playing.

  But back to the good stuff--Christmas was awesome! Honestly, it was the best, sweetest, love-filled, thoughtful, harmonious, spiritual Christmas of my life. I just couldn't be flustered. I couldn't be sad, mad, or bad. Everything was heart-warming and soul-satisfying. My husband and daughter made dinner last night, giving me the night off in the kitchen. That was very cool! The baby was totally into the sound of crinkling paper--that was his favorite part. We just sat around after opening gifts and enjoyed each other. They all sipped their wine, beer, or brandy and I savored my gourmet coffee. We munched cookies, candy, and assorted treats. We had a yummy cheese and cracker tray.

  Notice I haven't even mentioned who got what and all that jazz? You know, it really didn't even matter to me. The actual gift-opening is a blurred memory. The one gift that stands out in my mind came in my stocking this morning. All 4 of them made me coupons I can redeem for a plethora of chores or treats. There were coupons for a massage, foot rub (those were from my daughter who is a massage therapist), car wash, dinner out, dish washings, horse feedings, etc, and my favorite--poop scooping! I got 2 of those and yippee to that! Remember, I have 4 BIG dogs in the yard. They were so cute too, all of them hand drawn and printed with funny pictures and stuff on them. Neato! I shall not use them carelessly either.

  Today I am grateful for wonderful memories.

December 27, 2005


  Only 363 shopping days til Christmas--Hip Hip Hooray!

  As much as I enjoyed this blessed holiday, I am ready to get things put back together. My computer room, already crowded since my son came, became the catch-all room for everything during the week proceeding Christmas. I can barely move around in here without tripping over something.

  And so the New Year approaches--wow! Can you believe we're heading into 2006? I'm still shell-shocked from leaving the 90's. I remember well the whole Y2K business and the Chicken-Little-Syndrome so many were afflicted with. I was so far gone in my drinking, I didn't care if the world did end. Little did I know on New Year's Eve 1999, I still had almost two years of jitter-bugging left on my drinking dance card. We had a party that night and I vowed not to drink, but you know how that goes. I started with Godiva Chocolate something-or-other because I figured that was pretty harmless and moved right into the hard stuff after I polished that whole bottle off. The thought of downing that sweet stuff makes me gag now. Yuk and Ugh. Yet another of the "methods I tried" to drink like I wasn't an alcoholic.

  Today I'm grateful I know the truth, and it has set me free.

December 28, 2005


  I've shared before about how fraudulent I felt when I first began to pray early in my sobriety. I felt like a hypocrite and a phony. I can "talk" to God now quite comfortably, but still struggle with feelings of inadequacy with formal prayer--alone, at church, or in the presence of others. I can't explain why--that shall be revealed someday I suppose. That is why I loved this prayer in the Sunday Parade section of the newspaper. I cut it out and keep it here at my computer now, reading it daily. Its author is Maya Angelou and I am going to print it in its entirety in today's Muse. I hope you find it as moving as I do. I am grateful for this prayer. It eloquently says all the things I feel, but could not put into words.

Father, Mother, God,
Thank you for your presence
during the hard and mean days.
For then we have you to lean upon.

Thank you for your presence
during the bright and sunny days,
for then we can share that which we have
with those who have less.

And thank you for your presence
during the Holy Days, for then we are able
to celebrate you and our families
and our friends.

For those who have no voice
we ask you to speak.

For those who feel unworthy,
we ask you to pour your love out
in waterfalls of tenderness.

For those who live in pain,
we ask you to bathe them
in the river of your healing.

For those who are lonely, we ask
you to keep them company.

For those who are depressed,
we ask you to shower upon them
the light of hope.

Dear Creator, You, the borderless
sea of substance, we ask you to give all the
world that which we need most--Peace.

December 29, 2005


  When I was drinking, problem solving was not on my agenda and the word 'solution' was not in my vocabulary. I was extremely opinionated and argumentative. That's why there was no peace in my heart or life--everything was a battle.

  My day began with the battle of the bottle. To drink or not to drink--that was the question and the answer was always the same--drink. I had no powers of reason or rationality. I was insane and insane people aren't interested in solving problems, they're bent on creating them.

  You know, there were a lot of comments made during the meetings Christmas week about world peace. I have been contemplating that for days now. I have decided that if the entire planet were working the 12 Steps of AA, we would have no world hunger, no crime, and no wars. Love, tolerance, and problem-solving would be on everyone's agenda.

  That's an idealistic, simplistic, and unrealistic dream--I know. But today I am grateful that AA has shown me a solution to my personal problem, because it brought peace to my little corner of the world.

December 30, 2005


  I have a little confession to make today. It won't leave my heart because I haven't shared about it and released it. One of my gifts this year from my husband was a photo-making thinga-ma-jig that came with a digital camera. Now let me preface this story by telling you I am not of a high-tech mindset and still don't know how to program a VCR. So, when I opened the gift, I pretended to be pleased, albeit mildly and without exuberance. Then later, I asked him if he bought it locally because I wasn't sure I'd keep it, to which my daughter chimed in with disappointment in her voice "You don't like it Mom?" I don't even remember exactly what I replied because by then, I was gnawing on my foot, which was lodged in my mouth.

  Sigh

  That night, I tossed and turned, haunted by my behavior, trying desperately to analyze my lukewarm reaction to the gift and Eureka! It came to me. It was fear. When I saw that box my heart skipped a beat. My brain said "you're a Techno-Dummy and you're going to feel mighty stupid and inept trying to figure out how to use that and you'll be embarrassed and ashamed and you'll have to ask for HELP." AGH--the H word!!!!! Combine that with the F word--FEAR and therein lies a deadly combo for me.

  So there you have it--I feel better having unloaded that and I'm happy to report I have opened the box and progressed to putting the batteries in the camera and looking through the viewfinder. Well, heck, it's a start.

  Today I am grateful for Step 10. I was wrong and I admit it. I had contempt prior to investigation which caused my mouth to engage before my brain fired up. Grrrr- I hate when that happens!

December 31, 2005


  Today is the last day of 2005. I have been reflecting on the year behind me now--exploring my memory bank of deposits and withdrawals; how much did I put in and how much did I take out? What do I have in savings? Were there enough deposits of service, tolerance, good will, and helpfulness? Did I withdraw too much from my family and friends, leaving my account in the red? Are my accounts of good memories high-yield? How about the Good Deed account--did I put enough in that one? Is the Ego Account inflated? Have I closed the Selfishness, Self-Centeredness, and Self-Pity accounts for good? How about that Sulking and Silent Scorn CD? I shouldn't let that one draw any more interest, right?--better pull those funds and apply them somewhere else--somewhere more beneficial.

  I will be pondering these questions and hoping to come up with answers that satisfy God.

  Today I am grateful for my CPA--Compassionate Power Above.