April 1, 2006


  Geez--I can't believe it's been a year since April Fool's Day. Some of you probably remember the Muse I wrote about moving to Oklahoma that ended with April Fools! I didn't dare try that again after all the letters of chastisement I received. No fooling today.

  I just cleaned up a big, nasty hairball--courtesy of Scully the Cat. It reminded me of a share at a meeting last week when someone purged herself of an emotional hairball. She even referred to it that way. I know how that feels. I've upchucked many a hairball myself at meetings. We HAVE to get that stuff up and out. Stuffing our feelings, not asking for help--those are common characteristics of alcoholics. I used to consider asking for help a sign of weakness but now I know that was ego. Today I consider it one of my greatest strengths and assets. I don't have to face anything alone and for that I am grateful.

April 2, 2006


  These muses of mine serve several purposes. Like I've shared before, they help keep me accountable for my day. They aid me in my daily inventory, and they go a long way toward keeping me honest. They also encourage me to unload my troubles--I suppose I benefit from that more than my readers do, so Thank You, one and all. And somewhere along the line, they began closing with "I am grateful for......" and that makes me remember to have gratitude for something every day.

  Also, they are 12 Step work for me. I try to carry the message of sobriety in each one. I share my experience, strength, and hope (as well as my naivete, weaknesses, and despair) and I hope I provide Food for thought. I pray I don't cause too many cases of heartburn or indigestion. I hope they never leave a bad taste in your mouth. My wish is that you consume and digest what I serve up, but that you feel free to spit it out or throw it down your garbage disposal if it doesn't appeal to you. Once the Muse d'jour leaves my electronic mailbox, it is yours to do with what you wish.

  Today was a good day to be sober. I got my warm fuzzies from the old folks at Hallmark, and I got to see my grandson before and after. I have received hugs and kisses from my dog, leg rubs from my cats, and nuzzles from the horses. My son-in-law made me a solemn promise he would solve my computer woes next weekend. I have sages, poppies, lupines, lilacs, and orange trees blossoming in the yards. What more could a former hopeless, desperate, broken-hearted, broken spirited alcoholic hope for?

  Today I am grateful for the Muses.

April 3, 2006


  "Hope is perhaps the most precious commodity we have. Hope has the power to splash living color on bleak and barren landscapes,
to fill empty chests with treasures, and to infuse life and vitality where before there was only death and despair." (author unknown)

  A sponsee of mine gave that to me a little over three years ago. I thought it was so beautiful and profound. I was hopeful for her at the time, but I'm sad to say she is still losing the battle to stay sober. I've watched her go in and out the doors of AA for the last several years over and over again. Although I still pray for her, my hope is waning. I wonder how much more her battered body can take before alcohol takes her. I fear she is headed for jail, an institution, or death, although I know that is not for me to say. I say it only because the Big Book makes that crystal clear.

  The practicing alcoholic doesn't get on an uphill swing. They don't miraculously find themselves living on Primrose Lane one day where life's a holiday. As long as we drink, there is no way to go but down. We choose the depth, it doesn't choose us.

  Today I am grateful for the life and vitality that has been infused into my soul because of Hope.

April 4, 2006


  "Much has been written pro and con, but among physicians, the general opinion seems to be that most chronic alcoholics are doomed." (Big Book, The Doctor's Opinion)

  And 200, 100, even 60 years ago, why wouldn't they think that? We were the bane of existence for our families. We were the shameful burden they bore because there were no answers, no help. We were the black sheep of society. We ended up in asylums because there was no place else for them to put us when we reached the point of no return. Doctors scratched their heads and wrung their hands in utter frustration and aggravation over us. Psychiatrists were equally baffled and confused when they failed to unravel the threads that wrapped around our psyche. Professionals had no answers, no solutions.

  Enter Bill W. and Dr. Bob. Imagine what our lives would be like had they not given birth to AA and a Spiritual Solution. Imagine being an alcoholic 100 years ago--it's too sad and horrific to even contemplate. At least that's how I feel.

  Today I am grateful for the two men who prevented me from being written off as "doomed."

April 5, 2006


My husband and I left the dreary drizzle of Bakersfield this morning and headed to the snow-covered wonderland of our daughter's neighborhood 40 minutes from here. It was so beautiful! There is something about snow that makes my heart go oooh and aaaah. Everything looks so clean and pristine. We both needed a baby fix anyway and the snow doubled our pleasure, doubled our fun. Miles was precious and adorable. 6 months old and looking more like a little boy than a baby now. What a glorious day. My husband didn't even object to my playing gospel tapes all the way there and back--heck, he even sang along with a few.

  My daughter gave me a neato book with lots of cool stuff in it on how to be a modern-day farm girl. It is an "ideabook, cookbook, and lifebook" and it is filled with down home country farm charm. I have been flipping through it since we got home about 30 minutes ago and I found this:

  "Although it is impossible to cross a swift, flowing river alone, you can cross safely if you link arms in a circle with your companions and turn like a wheel through the current. I find parallels to this in our everyday lives. You cannot cross the raging river alone, nor can you cross through life alone, despite the illusion of separateness we often entertain in our culture. You cannot stand by yourself; it is friends and family and the community we create--it is the church of each other--that support each of us in our lives and in our loves, that shore us up so that we can stand tall."

  Of course, the first thing I thought of when I read that was my recovery, my sobriety. In AA I found companions to link arms with me and help me through the currents. I have become a part of a unique community--a circle of love and support--the "church of each other." None of us can cross the raging river alone, but together, arm in arm, we can make it to the other side.

  Today I am grateful for the Circle.

April 6, 2006


  I saw a church billboard today that read: Try not to worry too much--even Moses started out as a basket case.

  That elicited a smile from me as well as a feeling of comfort. You know, sometimes I get so mired in my own stuff, I forget how small my problems are compared to so many. I guess that's the old selfishness the Big Book talks about--you know, that we must be rid of it or it kills us?

  I was talking on the phone to a sponsee earlier and we were discussing that "arrested development" theory we've heard about in AA. I told her I really identified with that--it explains so much of my life and the choices I made. My emotional, and I suppose spiritual development as well, were arrested when I took that first drink at 14. When I walked through the doors of AA at 47, I was still a young teenager emotionally. The alcohol prevented me from maturing at so many levels. I was selfish throughout my drinking years--there were three decades of adolescent behavior, temper tantrums, pouting, sulking, fighting, and so on and so on and scooby dooby doo.

  When I got sober, I began the difficult task of changing all those unpleasant character traits. It was all I knew, it was my modus operandi--how could I ever do it? "There is One who has all power--that One is God."

  That's how I'm doing it. I am the clay and He is the Potter. I'm trying to become what He wanted me to be all my life--happy, healthy, and whole.

  Today I am grateful for the two great Books in my life that teach me how to laugh, love, and live.

April 7, 2006


  "After all, our problems were of our own making. Bottles were only a symbol. Besides, we have stopped fighting anybody or anything. we have to!" (Big Book, page 103)

  I can't begin to express in mere words what a tall order this was for me. I was always ready to climb into the ring--any time, anywhere, with anyone. I've shared before about what an argumentative, confrontational, obnoxious, belligerent drunk I was. If I wasn't using my fists on you, I was using my profane mouth to rip you to shreds. I was expelled three times in high school for fighting. My earliest memory of hitting someone else (besides a sibling) is the 6th grade. I hit a little boy for picking on my younger brother--doubled up my fist and whacked him right on the top of the head. I hurt my hand something awful but that just taught me to hit a softer body part the next time around.

  In retrospect, I can see how the disease made me miserable before I ever swallowed that first mouthful of whiskey at 14. I didn't fit in; I had zero self-esteem; I envied the kids at school who didn't have to tug their worn-out socks out of the heels of their shoes all day; I was lonely and I had a chip on my shoulder from the time my folks divorced when I was 5 until I came to AA at 47. And trust me, I would triple-dog dare you to knock that chip off.

  BIG SIGH. It feels so good to be peaceful today. With the exception of my husband, I haven't wanted to hit anyone in over 4 years. I'm working hard on my relationship with him now. I know it's imperative that I cease fighting with him. I have to.

  Today I am grateful I threw in the towel and climbed out of the ring.

April 8, 2006


  "Now that we're in AA and sober, and winning back the esteem of our friends and business associates, we find that we still need to exercise special vigilance. As an insurance against "big-shot-ism" we can often check ourselves by remembering that we are today sober only by the grace of God and that any success we may be having is far more His success than ours." (12 and 12, page 92)

  Can I hear an Amen? I did that--did you guys do it too---take all the credit? Well, I'm fessing up--I have indeed patted myself on the back on more than one occasion for my new-found sobriety and general do-goodness. Not only have I indulged in the deadly sin of pride in secret, I have had the audacity to sing my own praises to anyone who would listen---usually my poor family who wasn't ready to hear me tooting my own horn quite yet.....not while their wounds were still oozing blood.

  That was long ago when I was an infant in my recovery--still suffering from "big-shot-ism." I know now, with every ounce of my being, that I am alive, sober, content, and serene ONLY because of God's grace. It is not my success, it is His. I am the wretch for whom the song was written and His amazing grace saved me.

  Today I am grateful for my son-in-law. He got all my files and pictures out of my old computer and into the new one. He also deduced that my connection problems were in the phone jack or telephone line. He fixed some other stuff for me and suggested I try a different phone jack just to confirm that's where the problem is. He's a treasure.

April 10, 2006


  I just finished reading a huge article in the local paper about a teenaged girl who was killed a few days ago--three cars involved, all young people and all of them under the influence of alcohol. She won't graduate in a few months, nor will she see her 18th birthday. She won't wear the red prom dress that hangs on her closet door. She's gone--she has breathed her last breath on this earth.

  I used to read those stories in my drinking and days and utter a quiet tsk tsk under my breath. Oh, those crazy kids, I'd think....when will they ever learn? I gave no thought to the fact that I had driven drunk hundreds of times myself--maybe thousands. Today when I read them, I feel them. I don't know if it's my imagination or the world of recovery I live in now that makes me take notice, but it seems like there has been a rash of these tragic incidents in the short 4 and a half years I've been sober.

  I feel the pain and anguish of the families and thank God my own loved ones were spared that phone call or knock on the door by the police--the bearer of bad tidings that every family member dreads. We can all be profoundly and humbly grateful today that our stories were never fatally tragic newspaper material.

  I am grateful God's grace spared me and my family from the heartache and sorrow of an alcohol-related death.

April 11, 2006


  "Without unity, the heart of A.A. would cease to beat; our world arteries would no longer carry the life-giving grace of God; His gift to us would be spent aimlessly. Back again in their caves, alcoholics would reproach us and say, "What a great thing A.A. might have been." ( Tradition One, page 129)

  I am constantly reading the first 164 pages of the Big Book. I pick it up every day to look for something specific, or just to open it and randomly find something inspirational. I don't know about you guys, but there is not one single page in that book that does not speak to my heart. But--I have to admit that I have not devoted enough time to the Traditions--12 vital and all-important treasures.

  I am vowing today to savor and digest them thoroughly. I will read one every day for the next twelve days--perhaps I will Muse on them, but forgive me if I seem unfamiliar or ignorant of their meanings.

  It's easy to see why this one is first: "Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends upon A.A. unity."

  Without unity, we'd be right back in those "caves" of which the book speaks. Self-absorption and selfishness were negative traits we all had when we drank--whether we all admit it or not. We MUST have an 'All for One and One for All' mentality and attitude. I have to remember that I must give back what I was so freely given. If we just took the gift of sobriety--God's gift--and kept it all to ourselves like the 3 year old who won't share his toys, that would be like spitting in God's face. I know--that's pretty strong, but keep in mind it's only my personal opinion.

  Today I am grateful for A.A. unity.

April 12, 2006


  Well, I just finished reading Tradition Two--whaddya know, I didn't procrastinate--yay! There's hope for me yet.

  I have been running it through my thought processor for the last 15 minutes or so--well heck, I guess I should quote it here for those of you who aren't familiar with it. It is: "For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority--a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted service; they do not govern."

  On page 132 of the 12 and 12 is where you will find this excerpt. Farther down the page it says that outsiders are skeptical of this philosophy....that, to them it seems "vague, nebulous(hazy) and pretty naive." It is also referred to as an "apparently impractical principle."

  Just goes to show you that things are not what they seem on the surface. This Tradition, while appearing to invite anarchy and chaos, does just the opposite. It creates order, respect, and selflessness. The account of Bill W. being offered the job as lay therapist in a New York hospital really gave me pause for reflection tonight. I mean, here he is--one of the gurus who got this AA ball rolling, yet he listened to the group conscience when they objected to the idea. One of them spoke these words to Bill:

  "Don't you realize that you can never become a professional? As generous as Charlie (the man who offered Bill the job) has been to us, don't you see that we can't tie this thing up with his hospital or any other? You tell us that Charlie's proposal is ethical. Sure it's ethical, but (and this is my favorite line in the whole chapter) what we've got won't run on ethics only; it has to be better."

  Isn't that awesome? WE have to be better than ethical so we let God be our ultimate authority. Bill admits the group was right--it was the voice of God. WOW!

  Today I am grateful to the man who had the courage to speak up in Bill's parlor that night.

April 13, 2006


  Tradition Three: The only requirement for A.A. membership is the desire to stop drinking.

  Well, Hot Dog and Hallelujah! If it weren't for this tradition, millions would have had the door slammed in their hopeless, helpless faces when they tried to join.....and yours truly would have been one of them. Check out this paragraph on page 140 and you'll know why:
"We were resolved to admit nobody to A.A. but that hypothetical class of people we termed 'pure alcoholics.' Except for their guzzling, and the unfortunate results thereof, they could have no other complications. So beggars, tramps, asylum inmates, prisoners, queers, plain crackpots (as opposed to fancy crackpots?) and fallen women were definitely out."

  Forgive my wisecrack in parenthesis--I couldn't resist. Anyway, I certainly fit the description of more than one of those 'types' the early groups didn't want polluting their drunk pool. I'm not judging or criticizing them--they were in uncharted waters, flailing about and fearful of drowning in those early days. They were going where no drunk had gone before--the final frontier of sobriety for them. It must have been very difficult to have the pressure our pioneering groups had.

  Fascinating chapter--I loved it! This Tradition allowed the dually addicted, the atheists, the loudmouths--ALL alcoholics to get the help they so desperately needed. The chapter closes with these words, which I'm sure are music to your ears--they are to mine.

  "So the hand of Providence early gave us a sign that any alcoholic is a member of our Society when he says so."

  Today I am grateful they didn't keep fallen women out of A.A. I would have fallen all the way to Hell.

April 14, 2006


  "Each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or A.A. as a whole." (Tradition Four)

  I love this short, yet amusing chapter. It cracks me up. Middleton is what they call the town, but I don't know where it really happened--do any of you know? Well, it doesn't matter I guess. What happened was, a few statesmen of an AA group decided that a huge center should be built for alcoholics, with three floors (more to be added later)--each floor designated for a specific purpose. One floor would sober you up and give you money; one would be educational; and the third would be for socializing.

  The head honcho organized three corporations to promote this Disneyland for drunks and appointed himself president of everything. He also introduced 61 rules and regulations to keep everything running smoothly.

  Alas, the mini-Trump Tower became somewhat of a Tower of Babel and it crumbled like a house of cards. Thankfully, the Big Cheese was humble enough to admit he was wrong and he wrote these words on a card for his home group: Rule #62-Don't take yourself too damn seriously.

  Today I am grateful for the General Service Board.

April 15, 2006


  Tradition Five: Each group has but one primary purpose--to carry its message to the alcoholic who still suffers.

  Here is where we learn that in order to keep our sobriety, we must give it away--carry the message to other alcoholics. The first paragraph says that it is "better to do one thing supremely well than many badly." It also states that the "very life of our Fellowship requires the preservation of this principle."

  Really, this is a no-brainer. There would be no AA had Bill W. and Dr. Bob not carried their miracle message to others, who carried it to others, who carried it to still more. The obstinate Irishman who was visited by an early AA member--a tough customer indeed--said that "my sponsor sold me one idea, and that was sobriety. At the time, I couldn't have bought anything else."

  Honestly, I know how he felt. I needed sobriety badly and nothing else would have helped. In fact, I wouldn't have been interested in anything else--not religion, medical help, traveling con-artists peddling snake oil, or anything. What I heard at my first meeting was exactly what I needed to hear at the time--that I could stop drinking. That was all that mattered.

  Today I am grateful to every person in the room at my first meeting. I am grateful they carried the message to me.

April 16, 2006


BLESSED EASTER MUSE READERS !!!

  I will resume my sharing on the Traditions tomorrow. Today I have something else in my heart. I have been unusually quiet the last few days. No, I'm not angry, nor am I indulging in sulking and silent scorn. I have been overwhelmed with humility and gratitude over this sacred weekend. I have been very introspective the entire week actually. I've watched several shows on the Discovery and History channels on the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Never before has my heart felt this way at Easter time. I feel a depth of gratitude for the man who made that supreme sacrifice for me--for all of us.

  I was remembering the night my sponsor and I went to see The Passion of the Christ the weekend it opened in the theaters. She and I sat there with tears sliding down our cheeks as we held hands--it was so moving and profound. The pain and sorrow He felt--the torture and suffering He endured--it was indescribable. I vowed that night I would never forget--that I would be humbly grateful every day. Then I got wrapped up in my own head and lost that all-consuming feeling until the next Easter. Now, here it is Easter again and I am once again emotional and overwhelmed, but in a quiet, somber, and respectful way.

  I want to feel this way every day--not just from Good Friday to Easter Sunday. I want my gratitude to be this powerful and my heart to feel this loved 365 days a year. I don't want to get complacent and take it for granted again. I don't want God to be just a word, I want Him to be an ever-constant presence, a feeling, a way of life. I want to "improve my conscious contact" with Him every day--not sporadically.

  Forgive me if this Muse is too religious for you--it is never my intention to offend anyone. It isn't meant to be about religion either--it's about spirituality--not just the awakening but the perpetuity of it.

  Today I am grateful for The Old Rugged Cross, stained with blood so divine--a wondrous beauty I see. For 'twas on that old cross Jesus suffered and died to pardon and sanctify me.

April 17, 2006


  Tradition Six: An A.A. group ought never endorse, finance, or lend the A.A name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property, and prestige divert us from our primary purpose.

  This one is reminiscent of Four--remember the 3-story "alcoholic center" that became a haven for 13th Steppers, educated drunks who no longer thought they were real alcoholics, and the freeloaders looking for handouts?

  Well, not only does this chapter begin with getting in to the hospital business, but they actually considered building a whole chain of hospitals. They dreamed big, in color, and with Dolby surround sound. They'd re-write textbooks and laws; they'd work hand in hand with the medical community; they'd take our message into the labor force, uniting everyone in love and harmony; they'd even create honest politicians. (now there's a pipe dream if I ever heard one)!

  It's a great dream--"transforming the world" through A.A.--heck, I've mused myself that if everyone in the world worked this program, we'd have global peace. Realistically however, as fortunate and blessed as we are to have this program, we can't force feed to anyone else. We need it and we know it. Most of us had to slip pretty far down the scale to get here but the average joe couldn't grasp what we have had to grasp, albeit out of necessity, but grasp it we have.

  Today I am grateful for those who were guinea pigs for us in those failed dreams and endeavors.

April 18, 2006


  Tradition Seven: Every A.A. group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.

  Yet again, our founding fathers learned the hard way through trial and error that outside contributions lead to T-R-O-U-B-L-E, thus saving us the woe of going through that painful process. There are two lines that jump out at me in this chapter--the first is: There was a place in A.A. where spirituality and money would mix, and that was in the hat!

  The second is: Whoever pays the piper is apt to call the tune.

  I can see how outside donations or funding would be a big fly in the healing ointment of recovery. We don't need to feel obligated to answer to someone who controls our purse strings. The minute we refused to compromise our beliefs and principles, our benefactor could literally turn out the lights in our meeting rooms. I like this Tradition--it's sound and wise.

  Here's the way I like to look at--stripped down and super-simplified: I'm getting the best therapy in the world from the best experts in the world for a buck an hour. Man, you can't beat that with a stick!

Today I am grateful for Tradition Seven.
Today I am grateful to all those who honor this tradition.

April 19, 2006


  Tradition Eight:Alcoholics Anonymous should remain forever nonprofessional, but our service centers may employ special workers.

  Before I give my synopsis (or malarkey, however you choose to perceive it) on this Tradition, I want to add a post script to yesterdays. I closed the Muse, and I'll paraphrase myself since I don't remember my exact words, by saying I thought a dollar an hour was a bargain basement price to pay for the priceless group therapy AA provides, and that I am taught by the best experts in the field. I want to add that those experts are on call 24/7, three hundred and sixty-five days a year. Show me any professional in the medical or psychiatric field who can make that claim and I'll eat my Big Book. Heaven knows I've figuratively devoured it, I don't reckon it would hurt me to do it literally.

  Now, back to the business at hand. I'll begin at the end--the last line of the chapter says that "Our Twelfth Step is never to be paid for, but those who labor in service for us are worthy of their hire." So, my take on this is that it's essentially about Step 12, and the fact that money should not change hands when it comes to Twelfth Step work. It had already been discovered in some of the previous Traditions that A.A. did not fare well with outside funding or interference, nor could AA go public by opening elaborate centers to house, educate, and provide a social life for us.

  However, there was the controversy of AA success stories going into a profession such as the medical field or education, or opening rehab facilities for alcoholics, thus making money from their "knowledge and experience." Also, there was the dilemma of places like AA offices where phones needed answering, Alano Clubs that needed cleaning and tending, and the Foundation where letters needed to be answered and books and literature had to be printed--what to do about that?

  Thankfully, a harmonious solution was agreed upon. Service workers were paid a salary and members who "carried their knowledge" into their chosen profession were given AA's blessing. All's well that ends well.
I shall end at the beginning. In the first paragraph of the chapter you will read these words: Freely ye have received, freely give.

  Today I am grateful to all the alcoholic nurses I know. It comforts me to know they are working in that chosen field. Who knows--our son, daughter, sibling, parent, or friend could end up under their care. Knowing they have an understanding of this disease would give me peace of mind. God Bless them.

April 20, 2006


  I'm taking a break from the Traditions--I'll pick it back up tomorrow. I've had this thought swirling around my cerebral cortex or somewhere up there in that area since I watched Regarding Henry last night. That's the movie where lawyer Harrison Ford gets shot and ends up with amnesia. It actually made him a better person when he couldn't remember all the slimy deeds he had pulled as an attorney.

  Now, for me---I think the opposite would be true. I think it would be detrimental to my sobriety if I couldn't remember where alcohol took me. Realistically, this could happen to any one of us. Just imagine if you were in some kind of an accident and lost your memory. Doesn't that terrify you? I suppose there's a hidden blessing in there, but Yikes! What would stop us from drinking again if we had no recollection of the drinking years and ALL the woe that comes with them?

  And how about this angle--can you imagine how low we'd feel when our loved ones had to fill in the blanks? To sit there and have my husband and daughter give me their version of my life story would be pretty painful. Plus, they could throw in more stuff if they wanted to, just make it up--I'd never know the difference. Perish the thought!

  Today I'm grateful for my mental faculties.

April 21, 2006


  OK, we're up to Tradition Nine--isn't this fun?
It is: A.A., as such, ought never be organized; but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve.

  You've got to be kidding--a bunch of drunks sitting or standing shoulder to shoulder and there is NO organization? Say it ain't so! That was the general consensus, I take it, not only from we inside the A.A. pool, but those so-called "normal" drinkers and society in general. The book poses this question: Doesn't nearly every society on earth give authority to some of its members and impose obedience upon the rest and to punish or expel offenders? The answer to that question of course is 'yes'-- but not in A.A.

  Even at the headquarters in New York they often answer letters asking about "policy" with this standard reply: "Of course, you are at perfect liberty to handle this matter any way you please. But the majority experience in A.A. does seem to suggest......."

  Don't plan a revolt yet, however. This program works because we have spiritual principles we try our best to live by. The 12 and 12 is clear on this matter. The entity of Alcoholics Anonymous is alive and well and needs no bosses or whip-crackers. Those who rebel against the principles, or choose to wreak havoc and destruction will only hurt themselves, not the Society of A.A.

  I love this line: Great suffering and great love are A.A.'s disciplinarians; we need no others. Amen.

  Today I am grateful for Tradition Nine.

April 22, 2006


  Tradition Ten: Alcoholics Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues; hence the A.A. name ought never be drawn into public controversy.

  This Tradition was born because our founding members took a long, hard look at The Washingtonian Society, a group of alcoholics formed over a hundred years ago with the best of intentions--to help each other. (sound familiar?) However, they allowed themselves to fraternize with politicians, non-alcoholics, and other public groups for various public causes and controversies. Individual members began warring with each other over non-alcohol related issues. The group dissolved like Alka Seltzer in water.

  We will always have differences of opinions in all areas of life--politics, religion, education, parenting---mercy, the list is endless. But there is one subject we all agree on and that is sobriety. In the rooms of AA, and for me personally-- also while socializing with my AA friends, it is imperative that we remember our primary purpose--to stay sober and help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety. Engaging in heated debates over societal issues distracts from that purpose.

  The Big Book says that we don't indulge in cynicism over the state of the nations, nor do we carry the weight of the world on our shoulders. I didn't put that in quotes because I wrote it from memory and don't know if it's exactly right--but it's close enough. The 12 and 12 says on page 177 that "we do not enter into public controversy, because we know that our Society will perish if it does."

  That's all I need to know--keep my eyes on the prize of sobriety and stay out of public and personal controversy with my fellows.

  Today I am grateful for Tradition Ten.

April 23, 2006


  I know we're up to Tradition Eleven, but I gotta write about the Round Up today. The joy of being surrounded by a sea of alcoholics is so amazing and incredible. It's like a big family reunion where you get to hang out with close members of your family, as well as a bunch you only see once a year, and you meet new family members for the first time. I love it! There is a carnival atmosphere--I almost expect to hear the sounds of a calliope in the background. The only thing missing is the cotton candy. Lots of laughter, hugs, squeals, heart-to-heart talks, and happy camaraderie.

  My young sponsee invited me to her Gen X meeting while we were there today. I told her I was more like Gen Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz, but I'd love to go. How refreshing and heartwarming it was to hear the young people--to have hope that they might be spared a lifetime of drinking and heartache. I will say a special prayer for them tonight that they may continue this wondrous journey they have begun--the journey of sobriety.

  I was thinking about my first Round-Up today. It was April of 2002. I was pretty new, only 7 months sober. I parked in a dirt field behind the Convention Center, which is right next door to the Rabobank Center. There were a gazillion cars to be seen and I wasn't aware there was another convention taking place at the Rabobank Arena--a religious denomination. As I made the long hike to my destination, I passed literally hundreds of the church attendees. Few of them were smiling and most of them wore somber expressions on their faces. But the closer I got to where the alcoholics were gathered, the faces changed (and the clothing too). I walked up the steps to the convention center and laughter filled my heart and ears. The Joy of sobriety was permeating the air and painting a stark contrast to the faces next door. I can't begin to tell you what an incredible experience it was for me to see and hear that glorious picture. Now, I don't know that the group next door wasn't happy, maybe their hearts were soaring on the inside, but at that moment, I sure was glad I was a part of that ocean of alcoholics and not the group next door.

  Today I am grateful for the Round-Up.

April 24, 2006


  Tradition Eleven: Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, and films.

  "We of A.A. do not question the fact that being in the public eye is hazardous."
A.A. does not have a problem with being publicized--it simply wants individual members to let others do the promoting--non-members, that is.

  Speaking as an alcoholic who was still practicing her disease, I can tell you with certainty that it was desperation that got me through the door of my first meeting, and attraction that kept me coming back. I had no exposure to AA other than TV and movies, which was abstract and inconsequential to me at the time, other than the fact that those two initials lodged in the deepest, darkest, farthest corner of my brain where they cowered from my rage and denial until I was broken down and used up. Then they surfaced, so I am thankful that AA is incorporated into films and television.

  But, I was extremely attracted to the people, the joy, laughter, and hope at my first meeting. The fellowship was the tasty worm and being the hungry fish I was, I swallowed it hook, line, and sinker.

  Today I am grateful for attractive alcoholics, and I'm not talking physical beauty.

April 25, 2006




  I just wanted to say that before I muse on the Twelfth Tradition. You are a joy to behold and watching you these last four years has been wondrous and heartwarming. The transformation from the lady who wore the "deer in the headlights" expression, to the classy, self-assured, caring, beautiful-inside-and-out soul you are today is something I would not have wanted to miss. You Go Girl!

  Tradition Twelve: And finally, we of Alcoholics Anonymous believe that the principle of anonymity has an immense spiritual significance. It reminds us that we are to place principles before personalities; that we are actually to practice a genuine humility. This to the end that our great blessings may never spoil us; that we shall forever live in thankful contemplation of Him who presides over us all. (long form)

  I get the feeling that Bill W. knew that this thing was going to be BIG. The foreword to the 1939 Big Book states: "It is important that we remain anonymous because we are too few, at present, to handle the overwhelming number of personal appeals which may result from this publication. Being mostly business or professional folk, we could not well carry on our occupations in such an event."

  Too few at present-- that sounds like somebody knew the times would be a changin'. Personally, I like having a face to go with the disease. If someone, perhaps someone in the public eye, makes the decision to go public with their alcoholism, I say more power to them. I tell anybody who will listen that I am an alcoholic--in and out of the meeting rooms. I told all my family in the beginning--including nieces and nephews. you'd be surprised how many of them have called me for help or suggestions because of their own drinking, or someone close to them. My car mechanic knows my story--he has expressed great interest in the program.....and so on and so on.

  On the flip side, I can see why it might be detrimental. If you had a total jerk who was proudly proclaiming to be a member of AA, yet continuing to exhibit unacceptable or bad behavior....well, that kind of tarnishes the AA name doesn't it? Hmmmm--good food for thought and this Muse has gone on long enough--bet you thought it would never end, right?

  Today I am grateful for the Twelve Traditions.

April 26, 2006


  I am going to be lazy today and let the Wise Pat muse for me. She sent this feedback to me in regard to the Muse yesterday on the Twelfth Tradition. I thought it was good stuff and wanted to pass it on.

  I agree that sometimes having a celeb come out as a recovering alcoholic can be a good thing and it's simple to do it within the 12th tradition. They simply need to omit that they are members of AA. When well done, the buzzwords only we of the program use, "one day at a time, there but for the grace of God, keep it simple" etc. will tell those of us that are in the program, where the recovery is coming from. To all else, until the press does it's own anonymity break, the celeb has maintained personal anonymity. Of course the celeb can and usually does tell her friends and coworkers. Word gets around. Of course if they slip, it gets around on a worldwide level as well. Obviously, a double edged sword in some ways.

Love, Pat

  Today I am grateful for y'alls 2 cents worth.

April 27, 2006


  Something has perturbed me almost from the beginning of my recovery in the rooms of AA and as time has passed, I have yet to come up with a satisfactory explanation for it. I've shared about it with those closest to me, but never at Muse level, but I shall put it out there in the hope that someone might have some input.

  Here it is--the thorn in my side, my pet peeve: Adultery within the program. I don't understand it. I am disturbed by the hypocrisy of those who sit at meetings extolling the miracles and virtues of AA; who profess to be practicing the principles of the program in all their affairs, yet they are instead practicing "affairs" of the adulterous nature which, in my opinion, contradicts the principles.

How do they do that? How do they justify that behavior? I'm not talking newcomers and 13th stepping (although that's another sore spot with me)--I'm talking old-timers, elder statesmen, and bleeding deacons alike. I'm talking about men and women who are alleged AA gurus, as well as everyone else in between--married AA members having affairs with other married AA members. I'm not a prude, nor am I naive. I just don't get it.

sigh

OK.....bottom line, and I know that I know that I know--it's none of my business. I'm taking their inventory. I avoid those members like the plague, but I'd still like an explanation.

Anybody want to clue me in?

  Today I am grateful for fidelity in AA.

April 28, 2006

  If you thought the adultery topic was over, it's a good thing you don't get paid for thinkin' because I'm not finished flogging that flat-lined filly.
"the point is, we are willing to grow along spiritual lines."

  OK...that's something we all hear every day at a meeting--so where is that willingness to grow spiritually if you're grazing on the grass in somebody else's pasture? What kind of spiritual progress are you making? None.
Well! I feel better now that I've added that post script and now I'll try to mind my own beeswax.

  What a bee-yoo-tee-ful day! I have been spring cleaning inside (yuk) and working in the yard some this morning and afternoon. God's touch is everywhere outside. My native plants are blooming, which means hummingbirds and butterflies--YAY. The poppies this year are so vibrant, big, and bright that they jump out at me as soon as I enter the yard---it's the first thing I see. The scent of the sages is sheer bliss and ladybugs are all over the place, munching on those destructive aphids. The world His hands have made is glorious and enchanting to all the senses.

  My son found an apartment and is moving out this next week......hip hip hooray! I love him with all my heart, but that boy is a slob. It will be good for him too, bless his heart......29 years old and living at home hasn't been beneficial to his self-esteem. I enjoyed him for the eight months he was here, but God answered my prayers for a job and apartment for my second born.

  Today I am grateful for those God-box prayers that I get to remove.

April 29, 2006

 Well, I think I got everyone's consent to print. Here are some responses to the adultery brouhaha I started. Great input and feedback ladies--and thank you for sharing your experience, strength, and hope with me--not to mention your gems of wisdom. I need all the help I can get and you guys really came through! My hat is off to the Spiritual Sisters Group.

  Hi Nan, It is THEIR downfall and it's become YOUR issue (BEST CALLED RESENTMENT). They are the ones that are supposed to be paying for being bad, but you are the one paying. It is called obsessing about something you absolutely have no control over, other than being faithful to your own partner as a LIVING EXAMPLE (as you are the program of attraction). WE CAN ONLY DO OUR OWN FOOTWORK--NO ONES ELSE'S FOOTWORK.

  Oh…have I wanted to respond to this one all night since reading it before bed. It’s such sadness to me that this goes on in the very rooms where I have found the greatest freedom in my life. How can this be? Such freedom and such repulsion all in the same rooms. Perhaps…it’s a lesson on how to focus on what is true and good. AA has taught me so many things about life. This issue has taught me what “Love” is and in a very painful what… what it isn’t. A very tough lesson but oh so valuable.Just remember…(I remind myself)…that these are not the healthiest of people…and yet…the magic is in the “principles” and not the “personalities.” I will always have to keep my motives in check. Some of these wounded people have only…”stopped drinking” there’s so much more work to do after that…we know. Many have chosen to leave it at that. They will learn…perhaps…someday…if their own house is in order.

  Well, well, well. In my humble opinion - first the men. Men will be men, they think different than we do, and they will have affairs, within or without the program. It's that too little blood for both heads. But the women - having had my own (outside the program and a long time ago)- I think have a self esteem problem. Well, we all have. But, when a man pays you a little attention I think we do not have the skills to evade a problem, and we lack the ability to handle it without getting involved. We think we can be "friends" with a man. No siree - not in this life (unless he is gay). Then, I think it gets out of hand and we can't say NO, or we don't want to.

yuk,
this is definitely no laughing matter, but i haven't a clue
sounds like substituting one issue for another
i traded lying, and being deceptive for the gift of sobriety
won't trade that for anything

  Perhaps they are caught in that particular sinful practice and have not turned their sexual behavior over to their Higher Power's control...they are "con carne", ie. "flesh walkers"....and that particular behavior can be just as addictive as alcohol or gambling or over-eating, etc. Unfortunately, it also has the power to devastate innocent bystanders. It's really harmful when those with years of sobriety behave this way because then how can they counsel the newcomer as to such issues?

  I heard on a radio program today that statistics show that people who are most susceptible to affairs are those who have come from broken families, have been or seen abuse, have or had addictions, had sexual experiences before marriage, and/or whose parents had affairs. Sounds like most people in AA, huh? Makes me thankful for those angels in AA who are truly "walking the walk".

  I think if you're being honest, it needs to be in all your affairs (no pun intended) and if that's not the case then dishonesty continues and sobriety is on shaky ground. When the earthquake comes, as it probably will, it seems to me the mortar holding everything together will fall apart, lacking all the needed properties.
We say, God either is or He isn't. I say, you're honest or you're not.

  HoooBoy....
Yeah. Even people with long sobriety are human and "not out of the woods yet." The situation you mentioned is the exception, not the rule. I opine that this happens because the ego-driven "guru" believes (because of his/her longevity in AA) that it is perfectly okay to counsel or sponsor a member of the opposite sex. Things get out of hand. Of course, they can always say they are a "work in progress" or some other cutesy cop-out, and it's okay, just don't drink!!

  I have no idea how I would stay sober under those conditions. I thank God that I don't have to deal with a huge burden such as that. I reckon the sobriety of the adulterers is shaky to say the least. Although they have a few years, you can bet your sweet ass their serenity is nil.

  They will do what they will do. Wipe it off your shoe and keep up the good muses. I love you, Missy. Blessings and strange bedfellows.

  Nan,
Taking the steps does not mean we become perfect-- we just become more human and trying to be less perfect which drove many of us to drink. You especially see in newcomers and persons with under 10 years. Then they wake up and know it is none of their business.

  Today I am grateful for those 6 words on our medallions....To Thine Own Self Be True.

 

April 30, 2006

WOW!

  I can't begin to express my gratitude to all of you who sent feedback on the last Muse. I would love to print some of your thoughts--no names of course. Please let me know if I have your permission to do that. Each and every one of you helped me immensely--Gosh! I was amazed and impressed at your responses. The helping hand of AA never ceases to amaze me. Bless your caring and compassionate hearts!

  In spite of what yesterday's Muse may have implied, I don't let the immoral behavior of others affect my sobriety. (or at least I try really really hard not to) Honestly, I believe that immorality, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder. What is right for me; what I believe; what my moral and ethical convictions are; what is acceptable behavior-- I don't expect anyone else to feel the same way and what I may deem a sin, or character defect is only my personal opinion. This woman's junk may be another one's pleasure. That's what Live and Let Live is all about.

  Remember that old song?--There ain't no good guy, there ain't no bad guy--there's only you and me and we just disagree.

  I say that's a pretty good philosophy. I will report however, that all of the responses I received on the issue were agin adultery. Not one respondee was fer it.

  Today I am grateful for your opinions. Thank you so very much!

April 31, 2006

   "If the shoe doesn't fit, don't wear it." ( author unknown)
I was talking to a sponsee on the phone the other day about that line from Chapter 5 that says: "if you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it" and I emphasized to her that under no circumstances did that mean she had to be who we are. This is a journey of self-discovery. Wanting what the sober person has can mean different things to the individual. What the newcomer wants is sobriety more than anything else, but often they will try to emulate a mentor in the program, which is fine to a degree, but the real joy comes in learning who you are--peeling the layers of that pickled onion and discovering the beautiful person inside.

  When I saw my future sponsor for the first time, I was drawn to her like a moth to a flame, a man to a TV remote, and a cat to butter. She was serene, quiet, wise, dignified, intelligent, and more. She was all the things I wasn't. I was like that singing orangutan in The Jungle Book....what was his name? King Louie? How did that song go----I know it's true--ooo-ooo, I wanna be like you--ooo-ooo. I wanna walk like you, talk like you--ooo-ooo. But, I had to learn to be ME, and even though I didn't think there was anything redeemable in my wretched soul, I found someone I like. I found someone I could learn to love. I found someone with worth.

  Today I am grateful to be me.