Hi. My name is Tracy and I would like to welcome you to Recovery Times. I will be writing a bi-weekly column which will focus on women and recovery. I feel that many women suffer from alcohol addiction in silence due to the negative stereotypes and stigma that is associated with women and alcoholism. I am here to be a voice for all women who want to travel the road to recovery. I have decided to introduce myself by telling my own personal struggles with alcohol. I feel that everyone has a story to tell. Here is mine. Take care...




The Joy of Not Drinking

    There is a certain satisfaction in feeling sober and in control; especially to those of us that have struggled with alcohol since we took our first sip. The satisfaction in waking up, shivering from the morning chill instead of uncontrollably shaking as our body withdraws from the alcohol. The joy of waking to cuddle the one you love instead of trying to figure out whom it is that you are about to cuddle. The security of knowing what you did the night before instead of trying to remember what travesties could have possibly occurred in your drunken haze. It is a life of embarrassment, shame and humiliation. Here is my story. When I look back; I realize that I was definitely predisposed to drinking much more than my peers. I was exposed to alcohol at the age of fourteen but feared my mother so much that I didn't dare. As my cousin, who was also fourteen, stumbled home with the fear of getting caught, I walked the straightest of lines, not realizing that my one good decision would soon be erased by many years of bad ones. At the age of fifteen, I decided to take my first drink. I was at a party where everyone was drinking but I felt very hesitant to join the crowd.


    Before long, I decided to succumb to the peer pressure and have a beer. I remember the feeling of being intoxicated so vividly as it was the first time in my life that I wasn't afraid. It made me feel confident, happy and powerful. My mother spent the majority of my life ruling with an iron fist so I spent most of my time living in fear of her. The alcohol took that fear away. I wasn't even afraid of getting caught; it made me feel THAT good. My friend told me I changed like Jeckyl and Hyde. One minute I was sullen and withdrawn and within minutes of taking my first drink, a new person emerged. I felt that I had found the answer to my unhappiness. It was amazing to me and I never looked back. Throughout my high school years, I drank every weekend. My life revolved around alcohol but I guess I seen it as something to do as all of my friends were doing it. When I looked back on it, I realized that I was the one who instigated it and I was the one who always got drunk. I recall one Christmas when my friend and I had some alcohol stashed away for some drinking on Christmas Eve. I was calling her at eleven in the morning, trying to convince her to go drinking then. That was how much I looked forward to it. I loved to drink and it got worse as time went on. I just didn't realize just how bad that it would get.


    Tragedy struck my life just before my eighteenth birthday. I was so looking forward to this birthday, as I would finally escape my mother's rules and craziness. My mother told me that she would include a house key with my birthday gift because as an eighteen-year-old, I would no longer have a curfew. That was a BIG thing for me. But life had other things in mind. Instead of celebrating my birthday, I spent it in a funeral home, staring at my brother. He died the day before I turned eighteen in a boating accident. I did get my house key but fate can be cruel. I received my dead brother's house key. All I could think was how badly I wanted my brother back and not that stupid key. Something in me died with him and I had just the solution. If alcohol was my friend before, it was my best friend now. The years that followed were devastating. Shortly after my brother's death, I met my first boyfriend. He also had a taste for alcohol, which suited me just fine. The next two years were spent drinking to excess and building up my reputation as a "lush." And I excelled at it. I spent my weekends passing out in bars, throwing up on myself whenever possible and being the most pathetic human being that I could be. It didn't help that my first boyfriend enjoyed abusing me whenever possible. He just added fuel to my fire. I soon broke up with him and decided to live the crazy, single life for a while. Things went from bad to worse.

 

    My blackouts became a regular occurrence. I was partying and drinking four nights a week. I continued this behaviour for four years. Most of my drinking was binge drinking. I never drank every day but when I drank, I always drank to excess. I was a laughing stock amongst my peers. I dated too many men and lived too free a life. I was always hung over and sick; feeling shameful and scared of what I had done the night before. Many times, I didn't even know how I had gotten home. I was always afraid and on edge. I couldn't remember most of the things that had occurred when I was out drinking. I drank as it made me feel confident but that is the vicious cycle that alcohol creates. I drank to feel confident and powerful. I always drank to excess which in turn, led to blackouts and embarrassing behaviour. This made me feel humiliated and lowered my self-esteem and sadly enough, led me back to drinking to find the confidence I needed to survive. If I had a good night of drinking with no blackouts or humiliating behaviour, it somehow made me forget the horrible things that I had previously done. My life spiralled out of control for years. Alcohol was killing my body and my soul. At twenty-four years of age, things couldn't get much worse. I was the local drunk and spent much of my time hung over, scared and ashamed of who I was. This was the year that I decided to quit. I had gone to the local bar one weekend and got totally blitzed as I normally did. My abusive ex-boyfriend was there and I ended up dating him. I have no real memory of this; just cloudy flashbacks. ; When I woke up the next morning, I knew that I was going to quit drinking. I was finished.



    I quit drinking for almost two years. I can honestly say that they were the best two years of my life. I gained my self-esteem back, dealt honestly with my brother's passing and made the decision to go to university to get my degree. There were times when I felt sad because all of my friends still done the party thing but in the end, sobriety made me feel so much better. I moved out with my cousin and still remained sober even though my roommates drank. I felt in control and proud of who I was. Little did I know that that would all change. At twenty-seven years of age, I felt that I had conquered my demons. I was working on my degree, living on my own and was sober for almost two years. But the urge to drink was occupying my mind again. I had lived with my partying roommates for over a year and had not broken down and had a drink. But it was getting harder and harder. The millennium was fast approaching and the idea of spending that New Years sober was a lot to handle. It was the middle of the summer and my friends were already talking about it. So after a particularly hectic day at work, I made a decision that would change everything that I had worked so hard for. I bought two wine coolers on the way home from work. I felt nervous and excited at the same time. My first drink after two years sober was like my first drink at fifteen all over again. I felt more powerful, more free and happier. I could almost feel the alcohol surging through my body; it was that powerful and exciting to me. I absolutely loved it.

 

    My friends were excited that I could party like they were. Within weeks, I was drinking every weekend, missing classes because I was hung over, and living the shameful existence that I thought I had left behind. I quickly regained the reputation for being the drunken party girl and the stigma that went along with it. My self-esteem faltered and important moments in my life seemed not so important due to my obsession with alcohol. I proceeded to get involved in two abusive relationships and totally lost my focus on my goals. I thought about suicide many times, as my unhappiness was overwhelming. It consumed me. I didn't know what to do or where to turn. I felt great shame in my behaviour and punished myself daily. I struggled with depression and deep regret. My sadness was so deep that I found myself sleeping for days and having no interest in living. I hated who I was and how I had lived my life so far.



    I spent two years deeply depressed and drinking. But every cloud does have a silver lining and any life, no matter how bad, can be turned around. I'm thirty-two years of age as I sit and write these words. It is a Sunday afternoon and I am not hung over. I feel hopeful and healthy. I have dreams of being a writer and my life is not controlled by my need to drink. I still struggle; when things get stressful and I feel unhappy, the urge is still there. I search for more constructive ways to spend my time; ways that do not involve alcohol. It is getting easier. I have a lot of hope for my future. For any person who struggles with alcohol, please realize that no matter how bad it seems, there is joy in not drinking. It can get better. As a binge drinker, I cannot relate to people who suffer from severe alcoholism and drink every day but I do know the hold that alcohol can have over a person, no matter how much trouble and mayhem it causes in their lives. It is a life wrought with excuses, sickness and hopelessness. There is a better life; a life focused on goals and passions. A life focused on being the best person that you can be. It is time to forgive your past and focus on your future. Life can be sweet. Each person is put on this earth for a purpose. I have found mine and that is why I am writing. Find yours...

 

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